Fun Stories Of The Week

Fun Stories Of The Week-------------------------

Joke - 1

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to
his insurance company.The company, suspecting negligence, sent out
one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out
and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

Joke - 2
I had some surgery on my shoulder about 5 or 6 years ago, and
then underwent several weeks of physical therapy. On my final
visit, the therapist gave me some exercises to do at home,
informing me I'd need a partner to help me with them. That
night my husband and I celebrated my recovery with an
especially boisterous romp in the boudoir.  The next morning I
told him I had some exercises for my shoulder that I needed his
help with. With a sly grin he asked, "Did we do any of them
last night?"
Joke - 3
The ad in the paper from the Humane Society read:
"Over 25 puppies will be put to death if not adopted. Please Help"

Joke - 4
What is hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the
inside,
 begins
with the letter 'c' ends with the letter 't' and has the
letters 'u' & 'n' in
the middle?
A coconut.

Joke - 5
What do you call a woman who can suck golf balls
 through a hose?
-Darling.

Joke - 6
How is a man like a snow fall?

-You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it
will last.

Joke - 7
Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
The cats keep covering them up with sand!

Joke - 8
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

Joke - 9
An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died,
so she took them to the taxodermist.

"So you want them mounted?" asked the taxidermist.
To which she replied: "No. Holding hands will do just fine."


Joke - 10
A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressed
with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.

"Preacher,
I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon." The preacher says "Why
thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord".

The
man says, "But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard."
The preacher says again, "sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use curse words
in the Lords house again".

The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed
$1000 dollars in the collection plate".

The preacher says "NO SHIT"?

Joke - 11

Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required
to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim,
Rescue Anne, to practice.

Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the
students gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put
his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She says
she can't feel her legs!"

Joke - 12

The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the
posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.

She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya
from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in
Columbia."

The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said,
"Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

Joke - 13
The other day, I was told that the reason why women wear bright-red
lipstick is for men to subliminally think of the other set of lips.

I was told that from a girl who was wearing bright-red lipstick

Joke - 14
A whole bunch of us were sitting around my house talking and we
were trying to remember a guy's name. None of us could remember
his name at all when all of a sudden my friend yells, "Dick!".
We said yes that's it. Then she said "Boy, I pulled that one
out of my ass". No one said anything until I burst out laughing
and she said "You had to go there didn't you?"

Joke - 15

One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during
the   morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain
some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the
father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle
on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the
little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for
me!"